Monday morning I went to undergo my stress test for my Heart. After four hours of various procedures I went home exhausted. The next day, I went to see my cardiologist. He explained to me that when he saw my results Monday night, and such that he was scheduled to leave Friday for several weeks, he scheduled me for emergency surgery today, Thursday. When the stressors were added to my blood stream, the front of my Heart was blocked from blood flow. It was so dangerous that he scheduled me for the surgery before he even gave me the option and asked me.
Although he explained the various options of what he may find when he went in for exploratory work, and the potential findings, as well as the risks, all my mind really heard was the possibility of having to rush me to open Heart surgery depending upon what he found. Death was a possibility, however remote, as well. That's what I heard. My grandfather went for routine surgery, and the surgeon decided to fix some irregularities with his heart while his chest was open. It killed my grandfather and he died on the operating table unexpectedly. That was all I could think of as well. I carry his name.
I had one day before surgery was scheduled. I thought about my death and resurrection in 2012. I was again angry at myself for seemingly throwing my fate to the wind. Although I made many lifestyle changes, here I went again.
All I could think of was what happens if I don't make it. What a disaster. Not only for my family and my loved ones...but for all the unfinished business I have. The business that kept me around and alive in 2012 against extreme odds. Trying to be calm and collected for my family, inside I was terrified. Thinking that I had again rolled the dice, but they wouldn't come up in my favor. Not this time.
I turned to some of my most Beautiful Spiritual friends, the ones who helped save my life three years ago. The ones who saw me floating outside of my comatose body in the Intensive Care Unit at Queen's, playing with my long hair, like I had in college, and ignoring their attempts to contact my Higher Self.
Despite their busy lives and their own families, they once again assisted me. The morning of surgery, they shared the guidance from the Spirit Guides. The Ancestors. The Angels. I had deep seated guilt from events in a previous Life. War. Slaughter. Sibling Rivalry. Ego. As much Light as was brought down through me, my Heart remained darkened. Aka cords attached as well.
I had to seek forgiveness, and most importantly, forgive Myself. I had to pour Love into my Heart. The same Love that I so freely give away daily. I was depleting my Source. I needed to focus on my needs. It sounds Selfish. Maybe it is. If I didn't make it through the surgery today, I would have been so unresolved on the Other Side. So angry. So guilty. So desperate for abandoning my 'ohana and so many things that I need to accomplish in this Life and World. I humbly asked Ke Akua to pour such Golden and Healing Light from Heaven into my piko manawa, or my piko "I" on the top of my head. While I asked for forgiveness from so many that I hurt in my past Life. Then I sought to forgive myself as well which was the hardest. My chest, arms and legs were soaked from the cascading tears.
So today, as I laid down on the operating table, I watched with much Love, Humility, Gratitude and Amazement, my Heart on the video screen. I watched the pumping muscle, struggling to keep me Alive. 100,000 beats alone today. Over a billion beats in my Lifetime already. The Beautiful Heart that I carelessly have broken so many times already. The Fragile Heart I have exposed to so many without Protection. The Heart that needs to be in Love constantly to stay beating. I watched the x-ray dye flowing through my arteries and veins with silent and reverent awe as the sedatives took effect. And I sent as much Love as I could muster under the circumstances, to this Beautiful Loving Heart of mine. Although I still have to watch out for infection, for clotting, for medicine side-effects, and a host of other potential serious issues, the surgery was successful.
I thank Ke Akua, my Angels, my Beautiful Spiritual Friends, my 'ohana, my Cardiologist and the nurses, assistants and surgery technicians. All the people that helped save my Life to this point. All the friends and family who have given me and my Heart precious Love. Now I need to get done what I need to get done. None of us are promised Tomorrow. We aren't even promised Today.
Love One Another. Forgive...
Love One Another. Forgive...