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Sunday, May 13, 2018

Mothers...


I stopped by the cemetery to visit my Mother. Her grave is partially under a Beautiful tree so even though it was close to noon, there was a little shade on her headstone and the cloud cover made it somewhat overcast at that spot as well. I talked to her and my Father for awhile. Then I wished my Mother a Happy Mother's Day and placed the white carnation lei onto her gravestone. When I stood back up, a Beautiful warm ray of Sunlight broke through the clouds and the tree canopy, and lit up her name. I stood motionless and emotions welled up inside. It was such a simple, yet profound sign, of her presence and her acknowledgement. But most of all, her Love.

I remembered when I was about six years old. My Mother and I were at an airport in between flights somewhere on the continent. Just her and I. We stopped to get something to eat in a small airport cafeteria. I remember we both were ravenous and we both ordered a breakfast. Scrambled eggs and toast. 

I ended up pouring too much ketchup onto my eggs as I had hit the bottle hard and too much poured out. What was worse, the ketchup was too salty. Looking back, I think someone must have poured salt into the ketchup bottle as a prank. It made my eggs and toast awful in a pond of salty ketchup.

My Mother, noticed what had happened, and didn't say a word. She then gave me her plate and took mine. I asked her if she was going to eat my eggs because I knew she didn't like ketchup on her eggs. She said she was fine, and wasn't that hungry so it was okay. I scarfed down her eggs and toast. She nibbled on my toast and only ate a forkful of my eggs. It wasn't long before we had to leave to catch our next flight. 

Decades later, after my Mother is gone now, I look back on that ephemeral moment in time. A Mother, who feigned not being hungry so her little boy would eat her food. She didn't scold me, or frown, or make any face at the salty ketchup that dumped out all over my plate. 

She just lovingly switched our plates and nibbled onto toast that I had already bitten in to and went hungry.

There are countless moments in my Life, when looking back, that I can see the quiet sacrifices my Mother made for not only me, but my sisters, and my Father. Some seemingly small, others so large that they bring tears to my eyes in sorrowful recollection. 

Yet, rarely were any of these sacrifices acknowledged in Life. These acts of Love. Now, so readily apparent, in Death. And the regret of the times I let her down. Broke her Heart. Yet she Forgave.

I never could utter the words of deep appreciation in Life to my Mother, the words that she so truly deserved, on any meaningful scale to truly let her know how much she meant to me, and still does. Yet, I do know deep down that she understands the depth of my Love for her.

I know, the night before she died in 2010, when she was seeing the ancestors, ancient hula dancers preparing for hula, canoes dragged up onto the beach, men with beautiful feathered 'ahu'ula capes and battle scars on their bodies, her favorite little dog, her Father, Angels, words in light scrolling past, young men in malo holding brown wooden 'umeke, or bowls, trying to feed her as she starved while in hospice on this Side of the Veil, that she was once alarmed at the message from the ancestors. "You are going to die. But he is going to die too because he is taking care of you." Honestly, I was alarmed too, scared, but quickly put that message out of my mind to alleviate her confusion and fears, reassuring her that I was going to be just fine. 

Almost two years later, I learned what the message meant from the Spirit World. I became my Mother's moepu'u, or death companion. Those who went willingly, or sometimes unwillingly, dying along with their Ali'i. To be companions in death, to take care of their beloved on the Otherside. I let myself get to the point where Life and Death became one in the same. With everything to Live for, my Spirit was giving up Life, to be with my Mother.

Fortunately, my Mother made me get back into my body and resume Life. I think she understood how much I Loved her at that point.

I watched  the many people around the cemetery, placing flowers, sitting, talking, reminiscing, laughing, crying, and communing with the Spirit of their Mothers.  Then I said my goodbyes and left.

I stopped by the grocery store on my way home. After getting my groceries I went into the cash register line. No sooner had I placed my groceries down on the conveyor belt, I noticed a young disheveled barefoot boy place a Ted's pie and a Beautiful bouquet of white roses on the belt behind me. I thought his parents or some other adult was going to join him, as he looked to be about eight or nine years old, but it turned out to only be him. 

I paid for my groceries and started packing them into my bag. The boy asked the cashier how much the flowers were. She checked, and said "Thirteen dollars." The boy looked at the pile of one dollar bills in his hands, flipped through them, and then said, looking somewhat sad and dejected, "Oh sorry. I don't think I can get the flowers." He also seemed kind of embarrassed as there was now a line of people behind him and all eyes peering as well.

Then he looked up behind the cashier, quickly pointed and asked, "How much is that card that says, "I Love You"?

The cashier told him and he said, "Ok...I will get that card."

I looked at the change that the cashier had just given me, and quickly counted it. Fourteen dollars. I looked at the boy, and held out my hand. He opened his. I placed the wad of bills into his hand and he looked at me. I looked him in the eye, smiled, and said, "Get the flowers too. She will Love them."

I then walked out quickly to my car, got in and began to drive home. It was at that point that tears began to cascade. 

I knew it wasn't just a small gift for a little boy and his Beautiful Mother. It was a gift from me to my Mother. It was a gift to All Mothers. So Deeply and Humbly Grateful to have a little opportunity like that to Truly Heal. Love you Mom...

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