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Sunday, October 16, 2016

Healing...


Tonight I was getting ready to unwind and prepare for another busy week at work. A Beautiful friend from Hawai'i Island messaged me and asked if I was able to capture some images of the Moon tonight as she only had her camera phone. She was so sweet and humble, that I said I would look outside. I checked from my side-window in our apartment and from our balcony, but didn't see any sign of the Moon. Just clouds and rain. I let her know that I would check later and maybe see something from my apartment. She shared some of her captures with me which made me Happy.

It wasn't long, as I lay on my bed working on things, that Spirit nudged me to grab my camera and go outside and downstairs, completely outside of my building. I didn't see anything, just clouds and rain. Spirit nudged me again, so I got in the car and drove. I let myself drive wherever I felt I should go, without thinking about it too much. Tantalus and Waikīkī kept popping into my mind. Tantalus felt better. I hadn't driven up to Tantalus in years. As I was making my way up, I still couldn't see any sign of the Moon but tears began filling my eyes which surprised even me. Thoughts of my best friend in high school, who took his life up there, started flowing through me. I tried to keep my focus on my hunt for the Moon. 

There were many vehicles and tour vans parked along the established lookout point when I arrived there, so I passed them all as I was starting to see a bright white glow lighting up the thick clouds over the back of Mānoa Valley. There was a nice spot up further in a more secluded and isolated location but a car was parked in the darkness. I passed the vehicle and went up further to make a U-Turn. When I came back down, I saw that the vehicle had started up and pulled away. I parked in their spot and got out of the car in the blackness, humbly thankful for the spot opening up.

A light breeze enveloped me as I stood there taking in the view of the city below and watching the clouds for any sign of the Moon. Then like magic, a kīpuka formed in the thick cloud cover. A hole opened and the Moon appeared. I snapped a few photos bracing myself to keep the camera as still as I could. Then just like that, it closed and the thick clouds muted the bright light behind. I thanked Ke Akua and Spirit for the gift and made my way down to my parked car in the darkness. Surprisingly, with all of the vehicles and traffic down the road from me, I wasn't disturbed by any passing vehicles or errant headlights. 

I got into my car and started down the dark road, then suddenly, I felt a well of emotion fill me and I began sobbing. I pulled over because I couldn't see with my eyes filled with tears and my nose plugged up making it hard to breathe. I sat there recalling all the time my best friend and I sat on the lookout wall at Tantalus right below me. Talking about Life. Listening to U2. About the horrible tragedy that Summer after high school when he took his own Life at 'Ualaka'a Park. 

I realized that I had cried when I held his lifeless hand in the hospital ICU, before he was taken off of the Life Support. I remember that I cried when I helped to give his Eulogy at his funeral service. But I also realized that I never spoke directly to him, in 30 years. I still had sadness. Guilt. Remorse. Grief. I recognized tonight as a Gift and as an opportunity to let my pain out. Pain I didn't even realize I still carried within me.

So as I sat there in my dark car, still crying, I spoke to my long lost best friend. I let him know how sorry I was for what happened that night. How I missed him. How I Loved him. How I felt so guilty for not seeing the obvious signs that Summer. How I felt that I could have been there for him had I known. That had I known that shooting the gun in reckless abandon and wild bravado two nights before, would lead to such a devastating act of desperation, that I would have done things differently. I let him know how much I missed and loved his grandmother. That I knew they were together. 

That I knew he was with me about twenty-years after he passed when I was running in the back of Manoa Valley late one night, and was discouraged and depressed, when a warm enveloping wind embraced me from behind, pushed me forward, as the scent of ginger from his grandmother's house filled my nose, and U2 came on my iPod. I burst forth in tears back then too as I recognized the signs and felt his presence. I thanked him for his Love and Support. 

After I finished talking with him, I wiped away my tears and sat quietly in the car to regain my composure and reflect upon what had just happened. Then I started my car up, and quietly drove back home in humble retrospection. Grateful for this Life. Grateful for Beautiful Spirit knowing exactly what I needed tonight. The Super Moon. Friends. Healing 30 years of Guilt and Grief. Mahalo Ke Akua...

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